How To Make Friends, Part I

Tempt your victim with carrots, oats, and/or cheese. This will bring her closer to the house and out of the bushes. You will probably have to place the temptations on a bed of lettuce, or in the front garden on top of that flower that looks like lettuce. After a few days the victim will begin to trust her surroundings. The next step involves subtly presenting yourself into the environment. I would suggest dressing up like any friendly herbivore. Do not forget the tail. In the meantime practice your sprints. If speed is a problem, build a zipline. Evidently my dad could make friends with his bare hands, but I've been using a friend-net. Simon seems to be knocking out his victims with his fists of friend-zy. I've made three friends so far and they have been quite delicious.

Flames on the sides of my face

My mom calls me a lot. I've been trying to teach her the benefits of email, but with little headway. Sometimes my mother calls on the phone wanting to spell out a website URL so I can write it down, look it up, and give her some sort of feedback. A call such as this could assault me while I'm driving, changing a diaper, or watching my stories. My mom's ineffectual internet-phone-phone-internet-phone debacle drives me batty, so much so that I decided to make a list of other such things that bother me more than they should.

10. Creationism
9. Dion's ex-girlfriends, concept of;
8. Spiders, existance of
7. That sound Steph makes when she's trying to clear out her ears
6. People who like Nickelback
5. ~can't stand when a bitch all in my side~
4. Slurping
3. Reading a your/you're or they're/their/there mistake
2. Cleaning up satyr droppings in the back yard
1. "Oversize load" signs, because I believe they need a "d" in there